When a Christian Girl Breaks Bad (is she a Fraud?)

I’m a girl just like you.

I do my best to raise my children. To excel at my job. To take care of my home. To be a good friend, daughter, sister, and aunt.

I’m also a Christian.

For some reason, that last fact seems to trump everything else when I reach my breaking point of having enough.

Enough.

As if the things that happen in a Christian’s life should all be negated the day they break bad and lose their cool.

Just like happened to me a few days ago.

Maybe you know, or it’s more likely that you don’t, that I’ve spent the last two-and-a-half years of my life living in fear. I’ve been stalked. And harassed. And berated on a daily basis. I’ve been humiliated. And lied about. And taunted. My property and the property of those I care about have been damaged. Other women in my life have been targeted. My children have suffered emotionally to no end.

All to show me that this other person wants to harm me more than they want anything else in their life:

More than they want a relationship with others who are close to me.

More than they want to be an upstanding person.

More than they want to stay on the right side of the law.

More than they want to move on from their past.

And yet, it seems to come as a surprise to some, that I would reach a breaking point. That I would fight back. That I would send a scathing, curse-word filled, message to this person on behalf of someone I love, simply trying to protect my child.

As I sat in court this week and heard of lawyers who laughed at my status as a Christian because of my behavior and choice of words in this message, as I watched them and the person who wants to harm me poke each other at the idea that I’m a fraud, as I listened to a DA imply that I was doing things out of sheer ridiculousness instead of actually trying to stop this person from harming me . . .

It stunned me.

As if there was anything left to be done to me that hasn’t already been done.

Because regardless of what I’m going through, and how I react, despite the lies being told, and the victim status I begrudgingly hold,

I am first, foremost, and always, a woman of God.

Even when I fail.

Even when I don’t feel like I am.

Even when my mind is so broken and fragmented in my circumstances that I can barely remember Him.

Even when I break bad and curse at my accusers.

And there’s nothing they can do to change that. No amount of poking fun at my expense. No amount of telling me I’m not a Christian because I’m not acting like a godly woman when I stand up for myself. No amount of shaming me, or scaring me, or threats to expose me will change that.

I am a woman of God.

And I cling to the fact that my God was a man of strength and character. A man who fought for those who were wronged. A man who showed his anger. A man who taught that his followers would all be mocked at his expense. A man who picked up those who made the most heinous mistakes in life, brushed them off, and asked them to follow Him anyway.

That He fights for me, when I can no longer gather the strength to fight for myself.

That He loves me no matter what I say or do.

That He is my biggest supporter as my accusers face me.

And, He is yours as well.

I know there are others whose faith has been questioned in an attempt to tear them down.

I know you’re out there in a boat beside me, riding through this hurricane as well.

You’ve reached out for help only to be shamed, or treated like a bothersome gnat, or simply ignored.

You’ve reached your breaking point, only to have your accusers then try to steal the last remaining thing you cling to in your life—your place alongside God.

And I see you, sweet friend.

God sees you as well.

So stand firm in the truth that He won’t back away like the others. He won’t believe the lies like the others. He won’t leave you in this mess like the others.

He is yours and you are His. No matter what.

Because we are women of God.

 

 

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19 Comments

  1. I’m so sorry for all you’re going through… but so proud of you for holding tight to your identity as a woman of God. No one can take that away from you. Besides, being Christian does not imply that we are doormats. It means we make our decisions based on a different set of guidelines than some of the rest of the world would choose. Stand strong, head held high.

    Just read about this verse in Suzie’s book (chapter 10, maybe?)—Jeremiah 17:8: He (SHE) is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.

  2. Laura – You expressed this humbly and honestly. I feel moved to share something with you. I am leading a Jennifer Rothschild Bible Study at church. It is called Hosea: Unfailing Love Changes Everything. In this study, Jennifer points out a lesson to never forget: We are dearly loved by God. and we are loved, accepted, and complete in Christ. We lack nothing in Him. We are not our past mistakes. We are not our past hurts or what we said or did. We are not what someone did to us. Instead, when we say “I do” to “I AM” everything changes. We are made a new creation. God wants us to be in relationship with Him. He waits for us to come back to him when we wander and we all do. He wants us to walk closely with him and He never turns His back on us as we struggle. So, whatever we have said or done or whatever was done to us, God can work it all for good if we trust and love Him. God forgives and God restores. Restoration makes us a new creation in a most amazing way- A brand new personal all over again. Amazing Grace!!! Cling to it. Hold your head high and keep your eyes on Jesus. Jesus understands your pain. He was falsely accused and ridiculed too. He endured all those things and we know He understands our human condition. Love you Laura, Aunt Ann

  3. I love your raw emotion and transparency, Laura! We went through a similar experience several years ago and it really does bring you to a breaking point. It doesn’t change your status as Christian or make you less of a Christian. It does make you human. There will always be people who try to pull us down and break us. Our job? Love them and let God deal with them. I think that is the hardest part. It’s so funny, (but not!) the night before I knew I had to confront the person who was assaulting me, God showed me exactly what to say to her in a dream. I never imagined He would ask me to tell her I was praying for her children and grandchildren. That was rough. But I obeyed. What’s interesting, is that she broke at that. God knew what would touch her heart. He knows what will touch the heart of this person. I pray that God would show up in a powerful way in their lives, so they can receive the healing that they need. They are obviously very hurt. Prayers for you as you deal with this difficult person.

  4. Thank you for this. Reminds me of the hymn, “I am His and He is mine.” I’ll be singing that throughout my day today. Your words are timely for me. May God bless you as you remain close to Him. You’re a beautiful woman of God! Following you at Suzie’s today.

  5. I’m sorry for all that you’re going through, but I love how you’re holding on to your identity as a woman of God in the midst of it all. It’s so important to remember God’s unconditional love and to know that he sees our situation.

  6. Thank God we are saved by grace and not our actions! I’ve been to my breaking point, behaving badly after provocation, and then He had lovingly ushered me back every single time. Praying you find some relief in your situation. #livefree

  7. So sorry for what you are experiencing. There is a time to sit back, and a time to fight, When our children are put in harm’s way, it is a time to fight. Praying for you momma. #livefreeThursday

  8. Spiritual Abuse is the most confusing kind of all. But only Satan is the “accuser of the brethren” God says “there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”. Close your ears to the accusations in any way you can– delete emails before opening them, etc…– and open your ears to God’s voice– read His love letters to you every day– so you can discern lies from truth.

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